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“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home