I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
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If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
When your parents check you’re ok.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
is this a threat
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.