My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
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[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
This is my emotional support knife.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
What?!?