My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
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The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
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Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right