My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
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Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?