[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
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😲 WTF? 😆
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*