*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
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Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
When I laugh on my period
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.