*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
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#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
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Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
How do dragons blow out candles?
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW