To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
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Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
what do you want!!!!!!!!
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?