if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
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[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Meow
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.