Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
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if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
#milo
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”