What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
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My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
“NO NOT FISH
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.