My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
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Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
What if all the cashiers are married?
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.