Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
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Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
2022 be like
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes