Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
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Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.