Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
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Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I put the hot in psychotic.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor