Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
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There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind: