@OfficeofSteve

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

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@IDontSpeakWhine

My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.

@dubstep4dads

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

@donutscoffeeme

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

@Cpin42

Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.

@david8hughes

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

@slimmy_shady

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

@Parkerlawyer

I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”

Me, “*You’re.”

May have lost a new client but they learned something today.

@Lottie_Poppie

My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here

@olievl

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

@longwall26

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?