You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
You Might Also Like
Feel. He’s so soft.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.