Feel. He’s so soft.
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Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm
No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
me: that’s right
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
highly recommended, many stars
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
New fall boots. 😆😆
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Inventor: the 6 means 30
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up