Feel. He’s so soft.
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ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
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Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”