[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
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Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Webb. James Webb.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
When you kidnap a writer.
😂😂😂