It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
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Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.