Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
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If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
No chill.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.