A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
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grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”