A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
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corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask