A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
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The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh