Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
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I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resum茅 nonetheless
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I鈥檒l put it in the fridge. They can鈥檛 find anything in there.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
If snakes were wide
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We鈥檙e kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: 鈥搘e’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
The only equipped I am is ill.
To the max.. 馃槀
Sound on
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
HER: it鈥檚 pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Every time.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that鈥檚 not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that鈥檚 not me. i don鈥檛 like you