my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
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I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.