My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
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– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
When you try jalapeños for the first time
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.