Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
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No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE