I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
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I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.