I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
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Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Heroic Misunderstanding
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?