*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
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I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair