Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
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I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened