Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
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If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?