“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
You Might Also Like
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
‘I know a black person’
– White people
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.