the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
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Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.