Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
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Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
TODAY
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.