I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
You Might Also Like
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Wedding planning is organized crime.