A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
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You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I wish I were this cool 😂
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Uh oh…
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫