Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
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I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
😜
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.