I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
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When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
translated into Canadian
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.