To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
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Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory