me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
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Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”