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I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮