What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
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Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.