Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
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I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill