Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
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All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
i hope my email finds you on fire
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
Meow
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.