Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
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I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Damn what did I do next
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
I put the h in mysterious.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Feels like the fourth month in January
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
this is the best day of my life
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?