Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
You Might Also Like
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people