To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
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Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.