I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
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Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Livid.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?