Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
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Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
sir, my pâté if you please
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Life hack
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank