Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’

IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

HER: so like, what are you into?

ME: coincidences

HER: no way, me too!

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.

Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.

Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin

*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*

Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”

What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!

Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms