What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
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My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
my fav colour is also hitler
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.