My nickname in high school was “who?”
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My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Does your wife know you’re single?
i will not be silenced
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Well well well…
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.