Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
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Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?