Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

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Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal


Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon


Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.


There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too


My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.


DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.

ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*


Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.


Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.

Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.

Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*

Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*