Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
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*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Jupiter
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Had to try this trend 😊
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses