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Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.