Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
You Might Also Like
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.